A Window of Vulnerability

For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.

- Luke 8:17

Many of my clients rely on me to remember all that they need to maintain their daily routine (i.e. medication, transportation bookings, fee assistance cards, etc.). Sometimes in sorting through the mental files I keep on behalf of my clients, I forget my own necessities. A caregiver often neglects to care for oneself.

Case in point: I got into a cab with my client for the day, sat back and sighed deeply with satisfaction, as we were all set up for a swim at a leisure centre; but halfway there I realized that I had left my own swimming gear back at our agency. His disability requires that I stay close by him in the pool and so without my swimsuit he would also have to miss out on a swim. 

There was no turning back now. How could I explain this to his guardian? Moreover, how could I explain this to myself? I know how my client carefully prepares his swimming bag the night before and leaves it at the door with anticipation for his "swim day". 

We arrived at the leisure centre and I decided I would ask the front desk staff if they had a spare swimming suit. Sure enough, they had a used swimming suit in the Lost and Found compartment. I swallowed my pride and took the used swimming suit with gratitude. The woman behind the front desk turned to my client and with good humour accusingly pointed her finger at him; "Did you forget your swim wear today?" He smiled graciously and turned to me with a look of uncertainty. I laughed nervously, averting eye contact with reflexive denial. With my head hung low, we walked away quietly into the locker room.

With no voice of his own to defend himself, my client is vulnerable to abuse wherever he goes. I knew that, in his defenselessness, I had manipulated him to protect my reputation, and it was difficult to look him in the eye for the remainder of the day.

His vulnerable openness - weaponlessness - brings to mind a phrase coined by NATO for strategic military purposes; a "window of vulnerability"; and I think this military jargon also serves to describe the day-to-day lives of my clients. In military strategy one's window of vulnerability needs to be concealed and the enemies window of vulnerability exposed; but my clients hearts are laid bare; unprotected; none of my clients vulnerabilities are concealed - they don't have the strength to close the window on their own - all their broken windows of vulnerability are disarmingly flung wide open.

Because they are open they are also vulnerable to abuse in a world armed for confrontation. Consequently, they need our protection and advocacy; but I see now that their vulnerability is also a gift wielding gentle power -  powerful enough to change a life, and open a heart. 

A faint reflection of the soul held up against the light; mirror-like; pointing back to my stubborn instinct for self-preservation. I saw myself a little more clearly that day - through the window of my own brokenness - and confessed my willing self-deceit in a spirit of repentance. My window of vulnerability had been sealed shut with insecurity and self-protectiveness, but now light broke through concealment, as a gentle breeze blew through the room.